My Advisor Hates Me! The Top Five Strategies for Walking Tall
By Robyn Silverman, Ph.D.
I saw red. Literally. Comments like "No," "Wrong," "No" again, and"Revise" stared up at me as I drove home with the first draft of my dissertation in my lap.
When I was in the last year of my Ph.D. program, I was convinced that my advisor must be throwing darts at a picture of me behind his door. I couldn't do anything right. I felt like a little kid being scolded for making the same mistakes over and over within the same draft. He would correct me on page 6 and then again on page 13, and by the time he got to page 86, he seemed to be screaming "No, no, no!" with that berating, belittling blood-red pen. When I submitted the draft, I felt like I knew what I was doing-finally-and when I received it back-I felt like I knew nothing. One thing I knew for certain: I wanted to fire my advisor and flush that little red pen. To complicate things, I needed him desperately.
Did this guy really hate me?
It is difficult to keep yourself from believing that your advisor has it in for you. How can you resolve the situation and make progress toward your goal?
(1) Get some support: Talk to a friend, a colleague, another faculty member, a coach, or a spouse about how you are feeling. Talking about the stress you are experiencing will provide you with much needed relief and release. Going through the feedback with a supportive person whom you trust will help you to determine whether you are internalizing comments about your work as personal criticisms of you.
(2) Give yourself a break: When our work is returned to us with red pen marks all over it, our first inclination is often to want to fix the problem immediately. That's only natural. However, when emotions are running high, it is difficult to get perspective. Calm yourself down, read through the dissertation, put it down, and take a break. Cool down, stretch, take a shower, or do a yoga class or exercise walk. When you get back to your dissertation, you will be able to see your dissertation through fresh eyes.
(3) Realize you do not need to be flawless: Sometimes we feel like we are supposed to be "perfect" at this level of our graduate career when in actuality we are still learning! After all, that is what this process is all about, right? When you give yourself permission to have faults, you can prepare yourself for the feedback you will receive from your dissertation advisor. Remember that once you know the "jack in the box" is going to spring, it's not nearly as scary when it does.
(4) Remember it is "critique" not "criticism": Your advisor is not criticizing you; he is doing his job and critiquing your work so that it is of the highest quality possible. He must critique your dissertation so that it gets better! I remember looking at my first draft after completing my last draft of my dissertation. What a difference! Think of your advisor as the person who is going to get you from good to great. It is easy to settle, but really, is that what a Ph.D. is all about?
(5) Leave the little child at home: What child? The one inside of you! Sometimes we all want to just crawl into the fetal position and sniffle between gasps of "I don't wanna!" Dissertations are grown-up stuff. Upon seeing your advisor or picking up your dissertation draft, compose yourself. Remind yourself that you are your advisor's equal, you are worthy, and you are an adult!
Keeping these tips in mind can help you get through the trials and tribulations of the dissertation process and guide you along the path to triumph. You will get through it! And you know what? I hate to say it, but I am better for it.
Just an afterthought-During the ABD process, I wisely refrained from taking out my frustrations on my advisor and his little red pen. But for a graduation gift, I couldn't resist...I gave him a beautiful new pen with a note. It read, "With all the corrections/ your red pen must be dead/ so I offer this peaceful green pen/ in its place instead." After all, a little humor couldn't hurt.
Onward and upward!
Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a success coach for graduate students, parents, adolescents, and executives who are looking to achieve their goals and improve their lives. She helps her clients target what they really want and assists in the creation of action plans to help them get there.. She is also a positive youth development specialist, body image expert, character education writer, and professional speaker who developed The Powerful Words Character Toolkit and the POWerful Family Character Toolkit which can be accessed on http://www.powerfulfamily.com. She has been featured in the press for her ongoing work in bullying, body esteem, character development and self-confidence. Dr. Robyn is currently writing a book on body confidence among women and girls. She can be reached through drrobyn@powerfulwordsonline.com or through her website http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com.